|
| There comes a point in your life, or your experience as a daughter of an immigrant family who just happens to have higher aspirations than mingling with people your own race, higher standards than living the ordinary life, when you realize there is just absolutely no way you can truly communication with your parents..
I can not remember how many times I've tried to tell my mom "I'm not your average Asian child, I am eloquent, great at networking, I like supporting myself, confident, I hate having my life planned out for me, I don't just obey without questioning and I am proud of the things I can achieve", but you don't understand! To your opinion, the ability to assimilate and absorb the American culture, almost becoming somewhat of a native here, is forsaking my own heritage. Well, you might want to consider that when you brought me here. What I really don't understand is, why, would you bring your children to a different country with a stark different culture for "a better future" and expect them NOT to blend in.
Maybe most of the Asian kids you know are very deeply engraved in their Asian heritage, but not me. I have a clear understanding that, with my personality, I survive better in the American culture. That is NOT to say that American culture is all good. but the thing with cultures is that in every culture, there's some good and bad, and for people in that culture, they might be aware of the bad but they can never publically criticize it, they swallow or ignore the bad, because if you stand hostile to your culture, your social identity, then what do you really have? every human being in this world is bind by his or her roots, that's what gives you the courage to go on, and that's what comforts you when you're lost.
My point is, as each person exposes him or herself to various different cultures, the discrepancies grow, and it really is up to the person to pick and choose different aspects of those cultures to maintain an equilibrium. The purpose in life is to see all you can ever see, learn all you can ever learn. However the more you know, the less sustainable your beliefs will be, the less proclivity you have towards any single idea or belief, because there's always a different angle to things, there's always a contrary to any ideas. But i guess if I can't even explain to my mom why friends go to bars and clubs to hang out then all these grand theories are definitely out of the lists of things we can talk about.
Since WHEN is confidence a sign of arrogance? patience a gesture of ignorance? silence a sign of detest? reasonable refusal a rebellious act? so much needed to be said, but nothing ever did. I guess little by little, our communication totally broke down... It's a constant struggle, a constant disappointment, and a constant emotional agitation... and it will stay constant because believe it or not, no matter how sincerely you want to connect with someone, there are just certain people that you absolutely cannot achieve a mutual understanding with. Sadly, that person is my mom and i love her.
| | |
| Fat-Guy story of the Day
so I was walking out of the metro station at Reagan National...
A lady, carrying a huge luggage bag and two briefcases fully loaded, was walking up to the metro gate. Understandably, with all the things she was carrying, she walked at an uneven pace.
Fat-Guy appeared, at the exact moment when the lady slowed down, Fat-Guy sped up his pace right behind her. And of course, Fat-Guy jerked her with his huge belly, and with the continuing momentum of his mass, he knocked the lady and her bags over, unintentionally (i'll give him the benefit of the doubt). Bags fell, she tripped and fell... poor lady
so FAT-GUY turned his head as far as he could(stretching the fat surrounding his neck) and looked at the disoriented lady AS HE WALKED ON BY...
belly-poppin, arms wavering, balls sweating, he walked away with offensive ignorance...
the FAT-GUY!!!!!
| | |
| EPISODE 1
it's raining...
i hate the rain...
i was walking up to my building from a 4-ride van and i saw this...
a car pulled up outside my building, not a fancy car, a beat-up SUV, the guy got out out of the driver's seat to open the door for the girl, i was hiding under my umbrella and he had no coverage... she cautiously stepped out of the car, he put his arm around her waist, not actually touching, as if to protect her from something, his gesture looked so gentle and yet masculine, that it almost looked like he's sheltering her tiny frame... they walked slowly up the steps, almost intentionally slowing down the pace, they were both cherishing every second... it was a date wasn't it, she was holding a humble bouquet of carnations, the petals moved with her every step... he was just slightly behind her, if she had tripped and fell, he would've been right there to catch her... i almost felt bad walking behind them, i am ruining the ending to their date, maybe there's going to be a kiss? maybe not, it was always nerve-wrecking when that happens... they got to the door and stood staring at each other, something about their body language said "i had an amazing time with you tonight" if only i wasn't there...
I missed the first date, the butterflies, the anticipation, the anxiety, trying to figure out what to wear a week before, trying to charm him with a cute smile, trying to lean over to his body just a little too close, everything was so unpredictable, so exciting, so stimulating, every inch of my body was awake, responding to your bodily smell, your movements, every accidental contact with my body... those couple of hours were not enough, far from it, i wanted to dive into your arms, your lips, your world...
| | |
| DAY 3
I'm up till 2am every night... still have no clue
| | |
| it is a strange feeling, looking at where we are right now.
I got off the phone with you after a one-hour conversation, the feeling of familiarity is comforting. Nothing else really can sooth the shock of the break-up, except when I hear your voice again.
I want to care for you, I want to call you, send you text messages and make sure you're doing ok, but i think i shouldn't. It's better for the both of us right? since we decided mutually to end this relationship. But again, what determines what we should and should not do? and if our hearts' saying one thing and we are pushing ourselves to do another, does that mean we're wrong? or does that just mean our hearts are longing the familiar memories of each other and that we have to fight those desires off to justify that we've made the right decision?
i really have no clue.. I don't know what else to do, I pray for you every time I miss you, I keep convincing myself that this is what we wanted, this is good for us, I am running out of alternatives...
.. so i really hope you're doing great and staying happy, i think knowing that, i'll be happier as well
=)
ive
| | |
|
